The Healing Touch

As John Denver sings “You fill up my senses, come fill me again” it reminds me of how often I feel God’s creative love reaching me through my senses. One of my favorite ways to connect with Jesus is through the use of my senses while meditating on the scriptures. There have been times in my life when I’ve wondered why Jesus “made the disciples get into the boat and proceed to the other side” after the feeding of five thousand people (reflected on the Gospel of Matthew 14: 13-22). I’ve imagined I was there among the crowd. I felt very excited, because I thought I could spend time alone with Jesus after the disciples left. But it did not last long because I met upon Jesus’ gaze. God knows and understands our thoughts from afar (Psalm 139). He wants the best for all of us. So, with a sweet and gentle voice, Jesus said to me “Daughter! It is time. Get on the boat.”

On the boat, I realized that Jesus invited me to take this time to silently be aware of my senses and reflect on the things that had happened. At first, I recalled the moment I walked through Hezekiah’s tunnel in Jerusalem (Hezekiah’s tunnel is also known as the Siloam tunnel where Jesus healed the blind man). Preparing for the pilgrim tour beside praying, I read a book “The Seeker”[1] author by Fr. Joseph Nguyen, S.J that explained the experiences of those walking through this tunnel. Inside the tunnel it was pitch black and no one could see without artificial light. Overall, it was very narrow and just about the width of an average persons’ shoulders. Therefore, entrusting my life in God’s hands as if I was a young child, I decided to close my eyes while I was inside the tunnel. I moved slowly through the wet floor and grasped the walls for support as I continued my journey. As I walked, I attempted to reflect on the life of the blind man, but I could not concentrate. People who walked ahead of me were singing and talking loudly. How annoying!!! I was upset and screaming internally “PLEASE BE QUIET!” I was simply not at peace and it seemed as though God disappeared. I was uncomfortable and suddenly fell into a state of great fear. The voices and footsteps I heard before were gone. Plus, I reached to my left, my right and above me, no matter how hard I tried, I could not feel any part of the tunnel. It seemed as though I was floating alone in a dark space and wondered “Am I lost?” Cried out, I prayed “Father, please help me.” A while later I felt a hand tug my right upper arm and pull me to the left where I was finally able to feel the wall. Once I touched the tunnel walls, I sensed the presence of God. After that, I continued to walk through the tunnel in peace.

After I returned home from the Holy Land, I began to pay more attention with loving care for the visually impaired people—in particular, my uncle who had eye problems. He could not see for a few months. He once shared that he was miserable. He stated, “At that time, I just wanted to die.” As I heard this statement, my heart was heavy with sympathy. Although I tried my best to understand the hardships of visually impaired people, I could not fully comprehend their suffering even when I imagined myself in their shoes. However, when training for the Ephata retreat, I was thankful God gave me an opportunity to experience the burdens of those who are blind. As leaders, we experienced a “blind” walk before helping the youth. There was an activity called “Trust Walk” where one person was covered with a mask to take away their sense of vision while the other guides. My journey depended entirely upon the one who would guide me. I listened to the instructions as my hands fumbled around and stepped forward. There was the moment that I could not clearly understand the instructions. I paused for a minute and asked God to guide me through all. After that I felt a hand grab my shoulder and a voice that said “Angela, kneel down. Bend your head a little to avoid hitting the table. Crawl to the left.” I felt confident and trusted my surroundings a bit more after that moment. Reflecting deeper on that activity, I could sense God’s presence each time my guide said my name. I thank God because I see him through those around me, especially those who accompany me in my spiritual life now.

I feel that the Ephata retreat was preparing me to trust God in the darkness and when pain has blinded me. The unpredictable happened after the retreat. My marriage fell apart and my life turned the page of a new and different chapter. I fell into depression. However, I kept praying, signed up for silent retreats, and met with spiritual director often, asking the Lord, the only One who could help me overcome this undesirable time, to be with me. I thanked God because during the dark valley of life, I had many chances to learn more about myself. God loves and accepts me for who I am. I do not know when, but my relationship with God changed. Day after day, I am longing for a deeper relationship with God. I was able to go back to Jerusalem a second time and decided to have my eyes open while walking through Hezekiah’s tunnel again. At this point in my life, I realized I had to face my failures, weaknesses and to understand my limits as I let God guide me through it all. This sensory journey of life symbolizes a symphony. If I don’t take in all of the tones, I’d miss the melody. It would be a loss and I would not be able to experience all of the wonderful things that the Creator wants to share with me in spite of the challenging and painful moments. The tones of the symphony led me to contemplate on how God always accompanied me even when I couldn’t sense his divine presence. As I walked through the dark tunnel a second time, I heard "take up your cross and follow me." (Luke 9:23), “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.’ (Mat 11:28).

In conclusion, one thing I have learned is that a big part of being “fully alive” is paying attention to my surroundings. It is being aware of God’s presence in each moment. I have found that a good way to cultivate this mindfulness is to pay attention to the five senses. The experiences that I just shared were not coincidences. Everything happened for a reason and were all connected together. First, I learned that God loves me. He wants me to use my eyes to enjoy the wonderful world and the people around me. Second, sometimes I cannot see things; I am blind one way or another, whether I want it or not, I face challenges that I cannot avoid. But the most important lesson that I have learned is that God is always with me. He will never abandon me. Through people around me, he touches, talks, and guides me on the right path. However, for me to find the truth and happiness, I need to face the darkness of life and discover my true self. Only in this way, I will know what my life’s purpose and my desires are. It is “the desire for God. It was written on my heart because I am created by God and for God." (CCC 27). Saint Ignatius believed in: We can and should find God in all things. God meets us where we are, as humans living, breathing and moving in a tangible world, and the five senses are the five entry points for God’s love to become known to us. Thank you, God, my loving Father, for the gift of senses. Without these senses, I would not be able to recognize that I am loved, and that I would love God through others, too.

Hèn Mọn_Mar 2021

[1] "Kẻ Đi Tìm" by Father Joseph Nguyen S.J